This is about realising that your exhaustion comes from the worry, not the work. You aren't burnt out because you’re "doing too much" – you’re exhausted because you’re holding a mental map of the entire household that no one else can see.
You finish the dishes, get the kids to bed, respond to that text you forgot about, remember you need to buy milk tomorrow, mentally plan Tuesday's dinner because you'll need to defrost something, and then collapse on the couch thinking, "I didn't even do that much today."
But you're exhausted.
Your partner looks over and asks, "What's wrong?" and you can't quite explain it. Technically, on paper, you might both split the chores. You both do bedtime. You both cook. You both clean.
But something's not equal.
I’ve been there and at times I’ve noticed my wife there too.
Something that took me a while to appreciate is: what you might be carrying isn't visible on any to-do list. It's the invisible load – the mental, cognitive, and emotional work of running a household and family that nobody sees, nobody tracks, and nobody shares.
It's noticing the milk is low before you run out. It's remembering which kid has the school excursion on Thursday. It's keeping track of when the dog's vaccination is due, who needs new school shoes, and whether your mother-in-law's birthday card got sent.
It's the constant background hum of anticipation, monitoring, decision-making, and emotional management that happens in your head while you're doing everything else.
And the hardest part is that it's often invisible to the very people you live with.
If you've ever tried to explain this to your partner and been met with "Just tell me what to do and I'll do it," you've hit the core of the problem. The invisible load isn't about execution. It's about everything that has to happen before execution is even possible.
This is why you can feel completely burnt out even when the visible work is shared. You're not just doing tasks. You're holding the entire mental map of what needs doing, when, how, and why.
And if you feel this way, it must be exhausting.
The good news is that you can make the invisible visible. At the end of this article, you'll find a link to download the free Invisible Load Map – a simple one-page tool I’ve developed to help visualise exactly what you're carrying mentally. But first, let’s look at the mechanics of what you’re actually dealing with.
The Three Layers Nobody Sees
The invisible load has three layers, and most people only ever see the first one.
Sociologist Allison Daminger – whose work has helped me better understand what the invisible load is and how it shows up in my marriage – identified what she calls the "cognitive dimension of household labour." She broke this invisible work down into four distinct stages:
Anticipate: Recognising that something needs to happen. Noticing the milk is getting low. Seeing that your toddler's shoes are too small. Remembering that an important specialist doctor appointment is coming up that you’ve been waiting months for.
Identify: Figuring out the options. Do we buy the lactose-free milk or the regular? Do we get new shoes online or in-store? Do we need to arrange babysitting for the appointment, or can one of us handle it?
Decide: Making the actual call. Choosing which milk, which shoes, which time slot.
Monitor: Checking that it actually happened. Did the milk get bought? Do the shoes fit? Is the appointment confirmed?
When someone says "just tell me what to do," they're offering to help with a phantom fifth stage: Execution. But you've already done stages 1–3 in your head, often without even realising it.
That's the invisible load. And research consistently shows that even in relationships where tasks are split equally, one partner (usually the mother) is carrying the vast majority of this cognitive work.
Research highlighted by Dr. Darcy Lockman, author of All the Rage, suggests that even in progressive, dual-income households, women typically carry the anticipate / identify / decide / monitor load for a massive 70–80% of household and childcare domains.
The task might get shared, but the mental load rarely does.
What the Invisible Load Actually Looks Like
Here's what this looks like in real life.
The Task: Buying more milk.
The Invisible Load:
Noticing it's running low (not waiting until it's empty)
Remembering which brand/type the family prefers
Checking if anyone has a dietary need you need to accommodate
Deciding whether to add it to this grocery trip or make a separate run
Stopping what you’re doing and actually putting it on the list (not putting it off)
Remembering to check the list when shopping
Actually buying it
Making sure there’s room for it in the fridge
Mentally noting how quickly it's being consumed so you can anticipate when you'll need more.
Your partner might do the physical task of buying milk. But if you did everything else, you're still carrying the load.
The Task: Managing your child's education.
The Invisible Load:
Tracking when school forms are due
Knowing which events are coming up (excursions, concerts, parent-teacher nights)
Monitoring your child's emotional wellbeing and academic progress
Deciding if any intervention is needed (tutoring, behavioural support, friendship issues)
Communicating with teachers
Coordinating schedules so someone can attend school events
Remembering to check the school bag for notes
Monitoring homework completion
Following up when forms don't come home.
When parent-teacher interviews come around, your partner might be the one to attend because you’re covering another appointment. But if you're doing the other 90% of the educational monitoring and coordination, you're carrying the load.
This is why "we split everything 50/50" doesn't always feel fair. The visible tasks might be shared. The invisible work isn't.
How to Map What You're Really Carrying
So how do you actually map this?
You need to make the invisible visible. Most people have never actually tracked their full load because they've never stopped long enough to see it.
The Invisible Load Map is a simple framework to help you identify what you're mentally carrying across four key areas: Anticipation, Identification, Decision-Making, and Monitoring.
It's based on Daminger's research and adapted for practical use in real households.
(Important Note: The goal here isn't to create a weapon to use against your partner. If you’re in a relationship where safety or control is an issue, please prioritise your safety over tracking labour. For healthy relationships, the goal is to see – clearly and objectively – where the cognitive load lives so you can have a real conversation about rebalancing it.)
Here's how you can use it:
Step 1: Choose One Domain to Map
Don't try to map everything at once; you'll just overwhelm yourself. Start with one area where you feel the invisible load most heavily. Common domains include:
Meals and food management
Children's schedules and activities
Household maintenance and repairs
Social relationships and calendar management
Healthcare and appointments
Financial planning and bills
Step 2: Break It Down by the Four Stages
For your chosen domain, list out what happens at each stage:
Anticipate: What do you notice needs to happen? (e.g., "I notice when we're low on ingredients," "I notice when the kids are outgrowing clothes")
Identify: What options do you consider? (e.g., "I research meal ideas that use what we have," "I compare prices for kids' clothes online vs in-store")
Decide: What choices do you make? (e.g., "I decide what we're eating Tuesday," "I decide which store to buy from")
Monitor: What do you track to make sure it happens? (e.g., "I check if dinner ingredients got bought," "I check if the new shoes actually fit")
Step 3: Mark Who Currently Holds Each Piece
For each item you listed, note who typically does it. Be honest. This isn't about blame – it's about clarity.
You might find that your partner does the execution (buying the groceries, picking up the shoes) but you're holding 100% of the anticipate/identify/decide/monitor work.
Step 4: Identify What Could Be Shared
Look at your map and ask: "Which of these cognitive tasks could actually be transferred to my partner?"
Not "which tasks could they help with" – which cognitive responsibilities could they own entirely? What if they were the one who had to notice when milk is low, decide what to buy, and monitor whether it happened?
What This Looks Like in Real Life
This is what it could look like in practice.
Emma felt like she was drowning but couldn't explain why. She and her husband both worked full-time. They both did bedtime. They both cooked. But she was exhausted and resentful.
She used the Invisible Load Map on "Meals and Food Management."
What she discovered:
Anticipate: She noticed when they were low on staples (Him: never). She tracked what was in the pantry and fridge (Him: never). She anticipated which nights would be too busy to cook (Him: never).
Identify: She researched meal ideas (Him: never). She figured out what ingredients were needed (Him: never). She checked what was on sale (Him: never).
Decide: She decided what they'd eat each night (Him: sometimes, when asked). She made the grocery list (Him: never). She decided when to order takeout (Him: sometimes).
Monitor: She checked if groceries actually got bought (Him: never). She tracked if meals were getting made (Him: never). She followed up when ingredients were missing (Him: never).
Her husband cooked 50% of the dinners. But Emma was carrying 95% of the cognitive load for the entire food system.
The conversation that followed: Emma showed her husband the map. Not as an attack, but as data. "I'm not asking you to cook more. I'm asking you to own the mental work of figuring out what we're eating."
They decided he'd own meal planning for Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday – fully. That meant anticipating what they'd need, identifying options, deciding what to make, shopping for ingredients, and monitoring whether it all came together. Emma would own Monday, Wednesday, Friday. They’d eat out on Sundays.
Three weeks into this adjusted routine Emma realised how much space that was taking up in her brain until it wasn't there anymore.
That's the power of making the invisible visible.
Your Next Step: Use the Free Invisible Load Map
Choose one domain where you feel the weight most heavily. Map the four stages. See what you're actually carrying.
Then have the conversation. Not "you need to help more." But "here's what I'm holding mentally that you might not see. Can we rebalance this?"
The Invisible Load Map is a free one-page tool you can download here in the Toolkit section of the StepChange Living website. It walks you through the four stages across common household domains and helps you map exactly where the cognitive work lives in your relationship.
You can't change what you can't see, so make it visible first.
Because you deserve to share the worry, not just the work.
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Please note: This content is for educational purposes and relationship enrichment. It does not constitute professional relationship counselling or therapy. If your relationship involves abuse, control, or safety concerns, please contact local support services or a qualified therapist immediately. See our Terms and Conditions for more information.