The One Thing Every Lasting Change Has in Common (It's Not Willpower)

You've probably tried to change before.

Maybe you lasted a week. Maybe a month. Maybe you actually kept it going for a while, and then life threw you a curveball and everything fell apart.

The motivation faded. The behaviour felt harder. You told yourself you'd get back to it tomorrow. Then next week. Then eventually you just... didn't.

I think we’ve all experienced this sometimes – those goals or resolutions that come and then fade away.

Well the reason your changes didn't stick might not have anything to do with your willpower, your discipline, or your commitment. You were trying to change your behaviour when you needed to change something deeper than that.

Psychologists call it Decision Fatigue. Every time you resist a temptation, make a decision, or force yourself to do something you don't want to do, you add to your cognitive load.

By afternoon, your brain's executive function is often running on fumes. By evening, you've got nothing left. This is why you can resist the donuts at morning tea but demolish a block of chocolate after dinner. It's not a character flaw. It's your brain trying to conserve energy.

But here's what most people miss: some people seem to do difficult things without relying on willpower at all. They exercise consistently not because they force themselves but because "that's just what I do." They eat healthily not through deprivation but because "I'm someone who takes care of my body."

What's the difference?

It's identity.

James Clear, in his book Atomic Habits, explains that there are three levels of personal change: outcome-based, process-based, and identity-based. Most people focus on the first two and completely miss the third.

Outcome-based change is about what you want to achieve. "I want to be a better parent." "I want to stop feeling overwhelmed." "I want to lose 10 kilos."

Process-based change is about what you do. "I'm going to use positive parenting techniques." "I'm going to time-block my calendar." "I'm going to exercise four times a week." 

Identity-based change is about who you believe you are. "I'm someone who treats my kids with respect." "I'm someone who protects my energy." "I'm someone who moves my body."

Most of us try to change our outcomes by changing our processes, while our identity stays the same. We try to exercise more while still seeing ourselves as "not a gym person." We try new parenting strategies while still believing "I'm just not a patient person."

Your identity is like a gravitational pull. You can force yourself to act differently for a while, but eventually, you'll snap back to what feels true about yourself. It's not that you lack discipline. It's that your actions are fighting against the idea of who you are.

The people who make lasting change don't just change what they do. They change who they believe they are.

This is the fundamental shift that can make change stick: you're not trying to do something different. You're trying to become someone different. And every tiny action you take is a vote for that new identity.

BJ Fogg, director of the Stanford Behaviour Design Lab, spent two decades researching why change fails and what makes it work. He concluded that lasting behaviour change doesn't require motivation to be high. It requires the behaviour to be easy and attached to something that already happens.

He developed the Tiny Habits method, which works because it doesn't require you to be someone you're not. It works with your existing life, your existing energy levels, your existing schedule.

Here's the method:

Make it tiny. Not "work out for 30 minutes." Instead: Do two push-ups. Not "meditate for 20 minutes." Instead: Take three breaths. Not "completely overhaul my parenting." Instead: Use one respectful phrase instead of yelling once.

The behaviour has to be so small that you can do it even on your worst day. Even when you're sick, stressed, or exhausted. Even when motivation is zero.

Find your anchor. Attach your tiny behaviour to something that already happens in your day. This is key. Don't rely on memory or motivation. Use an existing behaviour as a trigger for the new one.

The anchor carries the new behaviour. You don't have to remember. You don't have to decide. You just piggyback on something you already do.

Celebrate immediately. This is the part most people skip, but it's the secret ingredient.

After you do your tiny behaviour, you need to create a feeling of success right away. Smile. Say "nice" in your head. Do a little fist pump. Give yourself a mental high-five.

Why? Because your brain learns through emotion, not through logic. That celebration creates a tiny shot of dopamine that makes your brain want to repeat the behaviour. You're literally rewiring your neural pathways, not through force, but through feeling.

What’s actually happening is every time you complete your tiny behaviour and celebrate, you're casting a vote for your new identity. You're building evidence.

One vote doesn't change an election. But hundreds of votes do. Thousands of votes do. You won’t transform overnight but you will accumulate proof that you can become someone different.

James Clear puts it this way: "Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become. No single instance will transform your beliefs, but as the votes build up, so does the evidence of your new identity."

You don't need to believe you're a runner. You just need to put on your shoes and step outside for two minutes. That's one vote. Do it again tomorrow. That's another vote. After a month, you've got 30 votes. After three months, you've got 90 pieces of evidence that you're someone who moves their body.

Your identity can shift not through declarations but through actions. And every small action deserves celebration!

The 90-Day Identity Shift Journal in our store gives you the complete system to build your new identity through tiny habits – with daily tracking, phase-specific prompts, and checkpoint reflections across all 90 days.