This is about learning that your physical position is your first intervention, not your words. You're not being extra gentle by getting down to their level – you're using basic neuroscience to create the conditions where connection is possible.
Something I’ve become better at doing over time is getting down to my child’s level when they're having a meltdown.
Like when your four-year-old is having a meltdown about wearing shoes.
You're standing over them, trying to reason with a tiny human who's currently convinced that shoes are instruments of torture. You're explaining for the third time why we need to wear shoes outside. Your voice is getting tighter. Your patience is gone.
Nothing is working.
But imagine kneeling down, you're face-to-face and eye-to-eye with a calm demeanour. Your kid is mid-scream, but they look at you through teary eyes. And just for a second something shifts.
You're still saying the same words. But the situation feels different.
It’s not magic, it's neuroscience. And it's one of the simplest, most powerful tools in parenting that not many people talk about.
Physical position – specifically, getting down to your child's eye level – can change how their brain processes your interaction. It can shift them from fight-or-flight mode to connection mode.
If you've ever felt like your words aren't landing when your kid is upset, this might be why. You might not be speaking the wrong words, you might be speaking from the wrong position.
Here's what happens when you stay standing nearby while your kid is melting down.
From their perspective, you're huge. You're towering. You're looming. Even if your words are calm and kind, your physical presence and size can activate their threat response.
Dr. Dan Siegel, child psychiatrist and author of "The Whole-Brain Child," explains this through the lens of the "upstairs brain" and "downstairs brain." When kids are regulated and calm, their upstairs brain (prefrontal cortex) is online. This is the part that can think, reason, problem-solve, and respond to logic.
But when they're dysregulated – upset, scared, angry, overwhelmed – they're operating from their downstairs brain (limbic system and brainstem). This is the part responsible for survival. Fight, flight, or freeze.
In survival mode, logic doesn't work. Explanations don't work. Reasoning definitely doesn't work. You can't think your way out of a brainstem response.
And here's the critical part: when you're standing over them during a meltdown, their brain often reads your position as a threat. Not because you're threatening them intentionally. But because "large person looming over me" can trigger ancient survival wiring that interprets height difference as danger.
Stephen Porges' Polyvagal Theory explains this further. Our nervous systems are constantly scanning for safety or threat, a process he calls "neuroception." When we detect a threat, our nervous system kicks into defensive mode. When we detect safety, our nervous system can relax into connection.
Your physical position is one of the strongest signals of safety or threat.
Standing over your child while they're upset? That’s a potential threat signal. Their nervous system can escalate.
Kneeling down to their level? That’s a potential safety signal. It can give their nervous system an opportunity to start to calm.
Think about the last time you tried to calm your child while standing up. Maybe you were in a hurry. Maybe you were tired. Maybe you just didn't think about it. You might’ve said all the right things: "I know you're upset," "It's okay," "Let's take a breath."
Nothing landed. They stayed dysregulated. You got more frustrated. The situation escalated.
You probably thought you were doing something wrong with your words or your tone. But the problem might've been simpler: you were delivering calm words from a threat position.
Your child's nervous system couldn't receive your message of safety because your body was signalling something different.
So what if the key to connection during meltdowns isn't what you say but where you say it from?
This is the shift that can change everything: your physical position is your first intervention, not your words.
Before you try to talk your child down, before you reason with them, before you explain anything – try getting down to their level with a calm presence.
Crouch. Kneel. Sit. Whatever puts your eyes roughly at the same height as theirs.
This does three things simultaneously:
First, it sends a nervous system signal of safety. You're no longer a looming presence. You're at their level. Porges' research shows this shift in physical position can move a child from defensive mode to social engagement mode in seconds.
Second, it forces you to change tact and slow down. If you pause, take a breath, and get down to their level – even in about two seconds doing this – it gives your own nervous system a chance to regulate. You're less likely to react from your own frustration when you've physically paused.
Third, it changes your child's facial processing. Dr. Becky Kennedy, clinical psychologist and parenting expert, explains that when kids are upset, they're hypervigilant to facial cues. If they have to look up at your face, they're seeing you from a distorted angle. When you get eye-to-eye, they can actually read your expression accurately. Your calm face becomes more accessible.
This is co-regulation in action. Co-regulation is the process where your calm nervous system helps regulate your child's dysregulated nervous system. It's not something you do with words. It's something you do with your presence.
But your presence can't regulate them if your body is signalling threat.
The reframe is quite simple: physical position is not a nice-to-have; it's foundational. You're not being extra gentle by getting down to their level. You're using basic neuroscience to create the conditions where closer connection is possible.
Let's make this practical for your hardest parenting moments.
When your child is mid-meltdown: Don't talk first. Move first. Calmly get down to their level before you say anything. Kneel. Crouch. Sit next to them if they're on the floor.
Smile and pause. Let them see your face. Let them sense your presence. Only after you've established physical connection do you speak.
Your words might be simple: "I'm right here." "You're safe." "I see you're upset."
You're not reasoning. You're not explaining. You're offering your regulated nervous system as a resource for their dysregulated one.
When you need compliance but they're resisting: Instead of standing and directing from above, kneel down first.
"We need to leave in two minutes. Let's put shoes on" delivered from standing position can feel like a command from a giant.
The exact same words delivered from kneeling position, eye-to-eye, can feel like teamwork.
The words didn't change but the nervous system reception had a better opportunity to change.
When you're correcting behaviour: Get down to their level before you address it. This is hard when you're frustrated. You want to loom. You want them to know you're not happy. You want your physical presence to enforce your authority.
But correction delivered from standing over them can activate defensiveness. They can stop hearing you and brace against you.
Calm correction delivered from their eye level reaches their brain more effectively. They can actually process what you're saying because their nervous system isn't in fight-or-flight.
The one thing to try this week: Notice your default position during hard moments with your kids. Are you standing? Bending slightly but not actually getting to eye level? Sitting on a chair above them?
Choose one moment today where you fully get down to their level before you speak. Kneel all the way. Get eye-to-eye. Notice what changes.
You're not changing your words. You're changing your position. Watch what happens!
Start with this one shift. Physical position first, words second. Your body's message of safety can matter more than your verbal message of calm.
When you get down to their level, you're not just being kind. You're speaking the language their nervous system understands.
Please note: The information in this article is for educational purposes only. It does not constitute medical, psychological, or professional parenting advice. If you have concerns about your child's development or behaviour, please consult with a qualified healthcare professional or child development specialist. For more information, see our Terms and Conditions.