Bids for Connection: The Tiny Moments That Make or Break Your Relationship

Imagine that you're scrolling on your phone (probably not a hard thing to visualise) and your partner says something from across the room. You half-hear it. You make a vague sound that might be acknowledgment.

They don't say anything else, the moment passes, and you don't think about it again.

Later that week, you might feel distant from each other. Disconnected. You can't put your finger on what's wrong. Nothing big happened. You're not fighting. You're just... not close.

You wonder what changed.

What changed it you might have missed dozens of tiny moments where your partner was reaching for connection and you didn't reach back.

Dr. John Gottman, the psychologist who can predict divorce with 90% accuracy, has spent decades researching what makes relationships last. His finding is that it's not the big moments and it's not how you fight or how you make up or whether you have the same values.

It's the small moments.

He calls them "bids for connection." These are the small, everyday attempts your partner makes to connect with you. And whether you turn towards those bids or turn away from them is the difference between relationships that thrive and relationships that slowly die.

The couples who stayed together happily didn't fight less. They didn't have better communication skills (at first). They didn't necessarily share more interests or values.

What they did differently was this: they turned towards each other's bids for connection 86% of the time.

The couples who eventually divorced? They turned towards bids only 33% of the time.

That's the difference. Not grand gestures. Not romantic dates. Not even how you resolve conflict. Just whether you respond when your partner reaches for you in small moments throughout the day.

So what's a bid for connection?

It's your partner saying "Look at this article" and showing you their phone. It's them mentioning something that happened at work. It's them making a comment about the weather. It's them laughing at something on TV and glancing at you to see if you're laughing too.

These bids aren't dramatic. They're not demands. They're small invitations to connect.

And you can respond in three ways:

Turning towards: You engage (even briefly). That means you look up from your phone, you make a comment, you show interest, you connect.

Turning away: You miss the bid. You might be distracted or you don't respond. You're not being mean, you're just... not there.

Turning against: You respond negatively. You could be dismissive, irritated, or hostile. "Why are you showing me this?" "Can't you see I'm busy?" "I don't care."

That third response “turning against” sounds like it would be the worst of the bunch but turning away can be almost as damaging as turning against.

Because when your partner makes a bid and you turn away, they often register it as rejection. Their brain logs it as, "I reached for connection and they didn't reach back."

Once or twice doesn't make that much difference, but after dozens, hundreds, or thousands of turned-away moments? Your partner stops reaching. They stop bidding. The distance between you grows, and neither of you knows exactly how it happened because it can creep in slowly.

You might not have had big fights. You might not have betrayed each other. You just missed each other, over and over, in small moments that didn't seem to matter.

But they did matter, because small moments are important in relationships.

Maybe not all of them. You can't turn towards every single bid; life’s too full, you're too tired, and sometimes you're genuinely busy or distracted or depleted.

But what if you could increase from 33% closer to 86%? What if, instead of missing most bids, you caught most of them?

Connection doesn't require grand gestures or perfect communication. It requires showing up in small moments when your partner reaches for you.

That's it.

If your partner mentions something random about their day, put down your phone for 30 seconds and engage. That's a deposit in your relationship bank account.

They show you a meme. You laugh (even if it's not that funny). You made a deposit.

They sigh heavily about something frustrating. You ask one follow-up question. Deposit.

These moments take almost no time. They cost you nothing. But cumulatively, they can be the difference between "we're close" and "we're roommates."

Dr. Sue Johnson, developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy, explains that relationships survive on "accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement" (ARE). When your partner makes a bid, they're checking: Are you accessible? Will you respond? Can we engage, even briefly?

When you turn towards, you're saying "Yes, I'm here. I see you. You matter to me."

When you turn away, you're saying "I'm not available. I'm not responsive. We're not engaged right now."

Your partner's brain registers that message even if you didn't mean to send it.

And remember that you don't have to be perfect. Gottman's thriving couples turn towards 86% of bids. Not 100%. They miss bids too. They're also tired and they also get distracted.

But they show up more than they turn away. That's the threshold.

Start noticing bids. For one day, just pay attention. How often does your partner make small attempts to connect? It might be more than you think.

Common bids:

These are all bids. They're all invitations to connect.

Practice the minimal turn-towards. You don't need to stop everything and have a deep conversation. You just need to acknowledge the bid.

Examples of turning towards:

They say: "Look at this video."

You say: "Ha, that's funny" or "What's it about?" (Even if you glance for 5 seconds, you turned towards.)

They mention: "Traffic was terrible today."

You say: "That sounds frustrating" or "What happened?" (One sentence of engagement. That's enough.)

They comment: "This dinner is good."

You say: "Thanks, I'm glad you like it" or "Yeah, I tried something new." (Acknowledge + brief engagement.)

They sigh heavily.

You ask: "You okay?" or "What's going on?" (One question. That's a turn-towards.)

The rule: If you can respond in under 15 seconds and it doesn't derail what you're doing, turn towards. If you genuinely can't right now, acknowledge the bid and circle back: "I want to hear about that. Can you tell me in 10 minutes when I'm done with this?"

Try to notice when you're turning away. This is the awareness piece. You'll catch yourself mid-turn-away. "Oh, they just made a bid and I ignored it."

When you notice, you have a choice: you can still turn towards, even 30 seconds late.

"Hey, sorry, what were you saying? I got distracted."

Late turn-towards is better than no turn-towards.

This week's practice: Pick one time of day when you're usually distracted (morning rush, end of workday, bedtime) and commit to turning towards bids during that window. You're not overhauling your whole day. You're just choosing one window to be present.

Notice what changes when you turn towards more often. Notice what your partner does. Notice how you feel.

The small moments aren't insignificant. They're the foundation of everything!

Start paying attention to your partner's bids. Notice how often they're reaching for you. Then reach back.

It's that simple. And that powerful.

Please note: This content is for educational purposes and relationship enrichment. It does not constitute professional couples therapy or mental health counselling. If your relationship involves abuse, violence, or safety concerns, these principles do not apply. Please contact local support services or a qualified therapist immediately. For more information, see our Terms and Conditions.